Learning How To Cope
by AntiChrist18
Summary: Olivia never expected it, never imagined that her best friend and the woman she'd just started dating would be depressed. She always looked so happy-covering up pain. Well not anymore. Olivia wants to help her get better- one problem- Alex doesn't want help, she told Olivia expecting the strictest of confidence. Can Olivia break through Alex's walls and give her the help she needs?
1. Chapter 1

_AN: Okay, a new multi-chapter story! To be honest I'm surprised I've gotten even this chapter written, lately I've been finding it really hard to commit to anything more than smut oneshots lately but I seem to be getting there then. So this is chapter one of 'Learning How To Cope', I feel I need to put a trigger warning here, this story is centered around Alex and her depression and future chapters might be a little heavy. _

_I'm not sure how often updates will be because of my struggle with committing to stories but I'll try my best to update regularly. _

-x-x-x-

_**"Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad"**_

_**-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow**_

Today has been a wonderful day and believe me it's not often in a line of work such as SVU that can be said but it really has been great. We got our conviction, at long last, of this purely evil man, Christopher Zelures. We thought this day would never come, we'd never get justice for the child victims of this bastard but we have.

Alex had one tough case on her hands, we were struggling, she was struggling- it wasn't easy on any of us and that's why I'm currently purchasing a bottle of her favorite, and expensive, wine and a bouquet of 12 long stem red roses. I know we've only been on a handful of dates but I know this woman, I know how hard she's worked over the last couple of weeks, she deserves to be spoilt tonight.

I pay my server and walk back out of the heated of license, wrapped bottle and roses in hand. It's so cold, my God, winter is well and truly here. I curse myself for not wearing my heavy winter coat or even my leather jacket, anything is better than the light long sleeved shirt I'm currently in.

Luckily it's not a long walk to Alex's apartment, I really hope she's here. When we left the courthouse after the verdict she was withdrawn, almost upset when she should've been ecstatic- I went to her office not long afterwards but it was all locked up, she was just gone.

I get to her building and smile when I see the doorman James, I've become friendly enough with him lately and he looks happy to see me too

"Miss Benson, good evening"

"James, call me Olivia, please. Is Alex home?" I ask, praying he says yes but, to my disappointment, he shakes his head

"I'm sorry but she hasn't been in all evening- would you like me to take those and give them to her when she gets in?" He gestures to the flowers and I nod, also handing him the wine

"James, could you call me when she does come home?"

He smiles and nods before he puts the roses and wine behind his counter area.

I sigh, my heart heavy- I really wanted to see her.

James and I share more light conversation and I decide to go, Alex could literally be anywhere so looking for her seems pointless really. Maybe I'd call again? At the office when I called she didn't answer but I mean, maybe now she will. Wishful thinking possibly.

I step back outside, the full moon clearly visible tonight. It's refreshing, usually the moon is drowned out by the city's lights but no, tonight it's really clear. It's beautiful to see something different.

I pull my eyes away from the bright moon and shift it to the bright screen of my phone. I dial Alex's familiar number and hit call them after a few rings the call surprisingly connects

"Alex? Hey.. you there?" I ask after I'm greeted with silence from her end

There's yet more silence and with every tense second my heart beats a little harder, there's something wrong, something feels off.

"Alex?"

"Liv, can you come over here?" Her voice is broken, she sounds like she's been crying

"I'm at your apartment Al and you aren't here, where are you?"

"At work"

I blink a couple of times, attempting to clear away my heavy tiredness- I haven't had a good sleep in the last few days but I don't care, I care about Alex "Alex, I went to your office earlier, it was all locked up-"

"The spare key's over my lamp"

I think to the woman's office, outside the door there's a small lamp, something to brighten the hallway at night

"Are you okay Alex? Do I need to call someone-" I ask, worried at the dip in her usually strong voice

"No. Just _you_."

I take off down the road, still connected to the call "Alex, you'd tell me if anything was wrong- nobody's broken in or anything-"

"Olivia, please, just.. you'll see" she sounds like she wanted to say something but just gave up half way through

I race back to the courthouse and despite my defined fitness I'm out of breath, it's about a twenty minute walk and I sprinted it in less than ten. I guess I'm desperate to see why Alex would've locked herself into her office, why she needs me to come alone

I get to Alex's office and once I fumble with the overheated key and get the door unlocked I'm shocked when I see the office still darkened and apparently empty "A-Alex? You here?"

I barely hear her mumble my name and once I scan the room I notice Alex

"Alex?!" I drop down to where she's curled into the corner and the minute I lay my hand against her side she jumps away from me

She breaks into a fresh round of sobs and honestly I have no clue what to do, all I want to do is hold her in my arms and whisper words of comfort to her but she doesn't want that

"A-Alex, honey, look at me- what's happened?" I try asking her and when her puffy red eyes meet mine through the darkness my heart breaks, I don't know what's happened but I'll kill anyone who's made her this upset, who's hurt her like this.

"I-I.. Oh Liv, I just needed you here. I-I can't do this anymore, I can't handle it"

"Handle what Al?"

I'm so confused, I thought the woman would be delighted after that win today, I mean, it really was iconic. She worked so hard and got her results, I cant see why she'd be upset?

"This. This job, my failure. Nothing I ever do is good enough, I can't.."

"Failure? Christ Alex, you just put one of the most vicious sexual offenders of at least the last five years away for life, how is that failure? You got your result-"

"It's not about results Olivia!" She snaps, sounding beyond irate "you don't know how I feel! I go home and I fucking hate the fact that I have to come back to this place, I hate my job- my dream job that I've wanted since I was a kid!"

"Why?" I breathe out, almost afraid to ask, I've never seen her like this before, I always got the impression she loved her job, what changed?

"I don't know! That's the problem Liv! There's _something_ wrong with me and I don't know what it is"


	2. Chapter 2

I've taken her home, James looked beyond confused when I escorted a frazzled Alex straight past him offering nothing but a slightly lingering glance. I don't know how to explain what's happening, if I'm honest I don't even think Alex knows how to explain what's happening.

I don't know what to do to help her, the poor woman, she seems lost. I mean, work! Since I've known Alex her job has always been her passion. She'd take such pride in her work, she'd talk about her Father and his work and how she aspires to follow in his footsteps and to hear her say she hates doing her job, well it breaks my heart.

I watch her curl into a ball on the couch and look anywhere but at me. I wish she'd try and explain to me what's going on in her head. She said she can't explain, she doesn't know what's wrong, I want to be there, I want to help her through this- whatever this is.

"Olivia please don't just stand there, at least just sit down" she sounds so different, she's so soft spoken- that's not the Alex I know.

I do as she says and I sit onto the couch beside her and once I'm there I decide to question her a little, see if she can open up and give me some more information

"Hey... Al, how long have you been feeling like this? The reluctance to go to work and stuff"

"A long time Liv, a really long time"

"Why didn't you say something Al?" I sigh, worried for the beautiful blonde sitting beside me "I mean, you shouldn't have to carry this alone"

"I don't know what I'm carrying Liv.. I-I mean.. did you ever just wake up one morning and think 'I wish I could just stay in bed all day'?" She asks me and I nod, because honestly I have, as much as I love my job somedays I just wish I could relax

"Yeah Al, I have. Maybe, a handful of times b-but it's not everyday.. you said you hate your job Alex, I never thought you'd say that"

She seems to curl even more into herself when I say that and I scowl to myself, I hate seeing her like this. It's not the Alex I know, she's so out of character.

She's silent, no response to what I've said and the longer we sit in the tense silence the more I worry about her. She needs to tell me how she's feeling, even if it doesn't make sense to her, maybe sharing will help a little?

"Alex, can you please talk to me a little more? I want to know what's going on"

I move closer to Alex, moving my hand up her leg and squeezing her knee gently "I'm really worried about you sweetheart"

Her eyes lighten as they meet mine "You're worried? Olivia please don't be worried about me-"

"Well of course I am Al, I really care about you and seeing you like this- why didn't you mention this to me before now though Alex? I could've done something.."

She shakes her head, standing off the couch and pacing the living room floor. It's like she can't get comfortable, she can't relax and doesn't know what to do with herself. It's only now that I look her over that I realize how drained she looks. Her eyes are almost sunken and despite her best attempt at covering them with make up, the heavy bags under her eyes are very obvious. But the thing most concerning to me is how thin and frail she seems to be.

Has she really lost weight?

"I don't think there's anything you can do- I just don't know what anyone could do about it Liv"

I stand up too, walk over to her and wrap my arms around her small waist, doing anything just to stop her from pacing frantically "Okay stop, listen to me Alex. We can try our best between us to work out whatever's going on with you, okay? Please, come and sit down with me?"

"Can I sit on your lap?" she asks and I nod, leading her back to the couch where she does cuddle into my lap

"Olivia.. I really don't know what I'm meant to say to you? I-I don't know what's happening, nothing, not even work seems to be making me happy anymore"

'Shes so light in my arms' I note as I lazily run my hand through her dulled blonde hair. I chew down on my lip, is it just me or does 'nothing making me happy anymore' sound almost like she's depressed?

"Okay, when was the last time you were happy?" I ask, expecting a fairly fast response, I mean, it's not that difficult of a question?

There's a heavy silence between us but I don't interrupt it, I'm waiting until she answers me.

"Our date, our first date" she smiles a little, but it doesn't reach her eyes, she still looks pained "Seeing you laugh at the movie, you looked so carefree, so alive. I was kinda happy then, even just for a few minutes- but the last time I was really happy? I honestly can't remember"

"And today didn't make you happy at all? Alex, what you did today- you locked up that bastard. Protected so many children from him. You got justice for Zelures' victims and their families" I try my best to explain to her how much of an impact she's made today, how proud the squad, the DA's office, even I am of her.

"What if justice isn't enough? Them children- Christine, that first little girl, Olivia did you see her that day when I was talking to her in the squad room? She was hugging me so tight, afraid that Zelures was going to come get her- she's mentally scarred for life because of what that evil man did to her. A child.. What if I can't do this anymore?" She leaves the question hanging and then sighs weakly

"I need to quit my job Olivia"

She wants to quit her job?! No, okay I need to do something, I can't let her quit!

"Wow.. Alex, are you sure quitting is the best idea? I mean, this has been your passion since you could walk, talk.. Maybe you should go back home for a while? Talk to your father?"

She shakes her head against my shoulder and I feel another breath hit my neck "I couldn't talk to him about this Liv, being and ADA is all he's ever wanted for me- it'd crush him if I ever said I was considering quitting"

I pull back and meet her eyes "Okay, I need to say something Alex a-and I don't want you to get offended or anything but do you think you could maybe be.. depressed? You said things aren't really making you happy-"

She sighs and closes her eyes tight, I think maybe she's considered this too? "I've been trying not to think of it in that way Liv"

"Well it might be time you think of it that way.." I offer as helpfully as I can and I notice she's wringing her hands "Alex?"

"I-I've _tried_ to push it to one side, I didn't want to think like that"

I slip my hand into her cold one and bring it up to my lips, I'm trying to open her eyes, she needs to at least consider that she's depressed- and on top of that whatever is making her so thin.

Maybe I should press that a little.

"Alex, you're losing weight too-"

"-And on top of my craziness you assume I'm starving myself?!" She growls defensively as she jumps away from me and I sigh

"_Alexandra_, you know that's not what I meant!" I argue back "I've just noticed you've lost some weight. Are you eating regularly?"

"Honestly? No I'm not, but it's not because I'm deliberately starving myself! I'm not hungry Olivia, and no I don't know why, I think it might be something to do with the craziness!" She may be acting defensive but I know my best friend, the woman I'm dating, she's ready to break down

"You are not crazy sweetheart. There's a lot going on with you but you aren't crazy. Now, please come back and sit with me" I sit into the couch and pat my lap and I'm relieved when she agrees and buries against me "You're my best friend Alex, I want to help you but you need to talk to me, okay?"

"Can it just go to bed for tonight? I'm tired Olivia"

"Of course, I'll go, but I want you to stay in bed tomorrow morning, I'll call Liz after I call Cragen and I'll be here-"

"Y-You shouldn't miss work because of me"

I glare at her, leaving no room for argument "I'll be here in the morning"

I peck her cheek and she wraps her arms around me, holding me tight to her "Goodbye Liv, call me to let me know you've gotten home okay"

"Of course"

I walk out of her apartment after another kiss, this one against her lips. I'm really glad she spoke to me, even if I don't know everything, I know enough for tonight.

Tomorrow the real work begins.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Alex's POV_**

I trace my finger down over my side as I take in my reflection from my long bedroom mirror, wow Olivia's right, I have lost a lot of weight. I don't look unhealthy, I still look good but I've thinned up. I absolutely hate the idea of being stick thin, I don't want Olivia to think I'm starving myself because I'm not, I just haven't been hungry.

I pull on my fluffy pajama top and really appreciate the heat it's offering, damn my poor circulation. You'd imagine I'd be used to it by now, I mean I'm constantly cold, my hands, my feet. Really living up to my nickname, The Ice Queen.

I've always hated that nickname.

I don't want to be icy, I want to be approachable. I want people to feel comfortable with me.

The preheated bed is like heaven as I crawl in and pull the heavy duvet back over myself, I'm so glad I don't have to go into work in the morning, although I'm not sure how long that'll last, I will have to go back eventually.

I can't pinpoint a date, ya know, as the day I really stopped caring about my job. The day I woke up and literally hated the idea of walking into that office. I really hope this is just a slump I'm going through, that I'll regain my passion for being an ADA because I'd really like to think I could do my job again. I loved SVU, I always have- well, until lately- and to actually go in and quit? I don't know if I'd be able to do it, I'd be giving everything up, my whole adult life's work, gone in one day.

I think I just need a long vacation, a break from everything. Everything except Liv that is.

Oh God, Olivia. If I took a break she'd want to take one too, that's one thing about my beloved Detective Benson, she's so kind and caring, protective. I couldn't make her do that though could I? More than anything I want to push her away, I want to tell her I'm okay alone, I can handle alone, of course I can't really but I feel bad dragging her away from her job. A job she cares about.

I run my hand through my own hair, a feeling that has become very relaxing since Liv started doing it. I feel so safe with Olivia, it's amazing, how one person can make you just forget everything. Or nearly everything.

I really don't know what's going on with me, nothing huge happened, nothing changed. Everything was normal, is normal, but lately I just feel horrible all the time. I can't explain it properly to Olivia, I can't even get it straight in my own head, how could I explain that to another human being? I don't know what's happened to me. Everything's okay, my family are alright; my friends. I'm lucky, there are people who are a lot worse off than I am, people who are struggling and they can handle themselves better than I can.

It's silly when I think of it like that, this self-diagnosed 'depression' thing. Nothing sparked it off.. I really don't think it's depression, I know my 'down period' has lasted a while, a few months now but depression? How can I be depressed from nowhere? Doesn't something have to happen to make you feel like this? I don't know much about depression, as I told Olivia, I've tried to push it out of my mind. I don't want to believe I'm depressed, even now.

Surely if I was depressed I'd need to go get help? Go to some sort of doctor... wouldn't I? What would I say to a doctor?

"No no, nothing's caused this, I just woke up and my mind just completely fucked me over- I've wanted to never leave my apartment again, never wanted to eat, speak. All I wanted to do was sleep. Do something, help me with that"

Yeah, I don't know where I am.

Thankfully I'm diverted from my thoughts by my cell ringing and I roll over and grab it from the bedside locker. Olivia's picture flashes on my screen and I connect the call, desperate to hear that she got home okay

"Hey baby" I say curling back into my duvet and I hear the smile in her voice as she replies

"Hey Al, how're you feeling?"

I cringe at the question, I know I need to answer honestly, especially if I want Olivia and I to go somewhere properly, as much as I think I'd like to push her away, I can't

"I've been overthinking things.."

"Oh yeah? What're you thinking about?" She asks me and I lay against the my pillow, sighing softly

"Everything Olivia- I'll talk to you tomorrow about it okay? I don't fancy going into everything tonight. Is everything alright at your apartment? You're home okay?"

I don't want to start into a deep and meaningful conversation about my feelings tonight, it's not because I'm closed off though, it's because I'm crazy tired. I'm surprised I've managed to keep my eyes open this long.

"I'm home fine sweetheart, everything's great here, well, there's one thing missing.."

"Why? What's missing?" I ask genuinely concerned and when she answers I have to laugh, just to myself though, I'd hate to hurt her feelings

"You. I'm missing you. Tonight, even though the conversation was heavy with us, holding you in my arms felt amazing Al.. I really felt like I was protecting you"

By the end of her answer I'm not chuckling anymore, she really cares, she wants to protect me.

"Oh Liv..." it's all I can bring myself to say before I realize the tears rolling down my cheeks, ugh mood swings. It's worse than being pregnant, I assume.

"Are you okay Alex?" she asks and I wipe away my tears of.. happiness? I don't feel happy but I don't feel especially sad.. she just said something nice and it made me cry

"I'm fine-"

"You're crying" she can hear it in my voice, despite my attempts at covering the break, my 'happy' tears are turning into something else rapidly, I need to get away from Olivia, hang up, just hang up Alex.

"I-I-I.. have to go, I'm sorry. Goodnight Liv, see you in the morning"

I don't give her the chance to reply, I just disconnect the call and drop my cell beside me. Then I let myself sob like I need to do. I don't even know where this came from, maybe when you haven't cried in a while and you feel like you need it, a relief cry? I don't feel very relieved. I never do, I'm tense.

I'm dreading tomorrow, I don't know how I'm going to cope.

It's like I can already see what's going to happen, I'll try explaining what's going on but I won't be able too, Olivia won't understand at all, we'll both be frustrated and there'll be an argument. I'll mess this up.

I wish I could just turn this off or I wish I could explain it.

Everything's just so messy and I hate it.

-x-x-x-

I wake up to the sharp knock on my apartment door, I squint as I look at the bedside clock, 7AM?

Olivia, I swear to God it's 7AM.

I growl as I throw my robe on and shuffle down the hall to my apartment door. I check the peep hole and I see, as I guessed, Liv. What the hell is she doing here this early?

"Liv" I open the door, only now realizing how bad I must look, bed head by about a million "it's 7AM"

"You hung up on me crying, you're lucky I didn't come back over last night. Are you alright?" She steps inside, looking me over as subtly as she can but I pick it up

"I'm fine Olivia-" I notice her skeptical look "honestly, I'm okay, everything just got to me last night. Ugh, you're here far too early, come on"

I lead her back down the hall and when we get to my bed I strip off her very sexy but cold leather jacket then jump into bed, gesturing for her to join me.

She smiles and crawls in beside me, wrapping her arms around me "It's so warm" she smiles against my neck and I wrap my leg around her side and pull her closer

I yawn before I get the chance to answer her and she cuts in, nuzzling my neck gently "It's early, you're tired. Sleep Al"

"I love you Olivia"

Yeah, okay it's early in this relationship we have but this woman is my best friend and I need her to know how I feel about her, even if it is a little early to say anything

"I know, I love you too Al"

Well, that worked out well, a lot better than I was expecting.


	4. Chapter 4

I wake up again a few hours later to clattering and I smile to myself, remembering that Liv's here, that's the noise.

I get up and go down to the kitchen and when I see her, singing along to the radio and putting together breakfast, I sigh happily, or as happily as I can be. She's so beautiful, I always loved her hair clipped short. That and her leather jacket, God she's beyond gorgeous. I loved when she let her hair grow out long too but there's something about it short- she's a definite object of my desires.

"Morning" I announce from my position at the door frame and she turns around, pan in hand

"Good morning beautiful. Did I wake ya? I tried to be quiet"

"No you didn't, I'm fine. What're you makin'?" I ask, walking over to the stove and she smiles proudly at the eggs and bacon nearly fully cooked

"I'm attempting bacon and eggs, although I'd advise a taste test first, I'm not exactly recognized for my cooking skills"

I smile softly at her words and peck her cheek "I'm sure they're great Liv, thank you"

It's weird, I'm smiling, giving the impression I'm happy but I'm not. I'm not happy. I'm never happy. Christ I hate this! How can I be smiling, but not be happy? I have no idea- although, I don't know much when it comes to my own head lately.

"Did you sleep alright after?" She asks me and I nod, sitting at the set breakfast table

"I did, it helped having you around. How did you sleep?"

She plates our breakfast and serves it up, coffees too, a smile on her face as she does and once we're eating I notice her glances, her analyzing. She still thinks I'm starving myself.

"I am eating it Olivia" I say far more harshly than I need to, I hate that she's being like this -whatever about the mental issues, my 'down phase', but imagining more problems? That's all I need.

"I know you are" she sighs, sounding frustrated with with herself more than me and I drop my knife and fork to the side

"Well then stop looking at me like I'm not. Olivia, I was looking last night and you're right, I have lost weight but I need you to believe me that this is not in any way intentional" I pick up another piece of the crispy bacon and over-dramatically take a bite, which doesn't earn me the response I'd hoped, she's not impressed

"Okay... Okay Alex, I believe you" she holds up her hands and I take her hand into mine, hoping I can offer her some kind of comfort. I know she's stressed out over everything, how I'm feeling, what I'm feeling, what she can do to help- I want to help her like she helps me, even if she doesn't realize it. Just having her hold my hand makes me feel that little bit better.

"I really appreciate you trying to help me Liv but you need to focus on actual problems, I'll get my weight back up. I'm not starving myself, I promise you"

She nods and squeezes my hand, smiling "Okay. Thank you Alex- for that. Hey, I also called Liz, told her you needed some time off. She was really concerned Al, asked me to get you to call her when you could but you have as long as you need"

"That was sweet of her"

I chew on my lip, I haven't really considered work since last night, I don't know where I'm standing with it, I can't see myself quitting but I don't want to be there, for a long time.

"Alex, what're you thinking about?"

"Nothing.. uh.."

So much for not pushing her away.

Her glare at me can only be described as icy "You really think I believe_ 'nothing'_, Alex you're never going to get better if you don't talk about how you feel"

"The problem is Olivia I don't know how I feel! I don't know.." I'm crying again, I'm so easily upset Christ it's making me crazy.. or crazier than before.

Olivia shoots over to my side and lovingly runs her hand up and down over my back "Okay, how about a little bit at a time, how do you feel right now, this second?"

"...C-Cared for. You, you are so good to me"

"You deserve it beautiful. Now, how about you tell me why you're crying? What's upset you?" she asks and I honestly feel like I want to cry more at her question, I don't know how to answer, what to say? Then it comes to me.

"I'm not normal Olivia. My mind, it's different. I cry over everything, when I'm sad, angry.. I want to say happy but I'm not happy- that's why I cried last night, you were being so sweet to me and I-I started crying at how lovely you were and then I was thinking how even though you were being sweet and lovely I still didn't feel happy.. I'm never really happy Olivia"

Olivia's eyes soften when I meet them and she pulls me in close to her "You'll get there again Alex. You will be happy again, I promise you"

"You can't promise me that and mean it" I whisper, kind of hoping she didn't hear me, but it's true. The last time I was truly happy seems like such a distant memory, it's like I'm forgetting how to be happy- the whole 'if you don't use it, you lose it" thing.

"I can, Alex I promise you I'll make sure you're happy"

She kisses me, a deep passionate kiss that momentarily makes me forget everything. All I can focus on is Olivia. I move my hands up and thread them through her short hair and her hands rest against my sides "I love you Alex - and we can deal with this. You're so strong, I know you can get better"

"I hope I can"

I sound so small, so vulnerable, I hate it. My strong 'ADA voice' has disappeared, I'm a child compared to how I was before.

"Maybe some... professional insight could help?"

I'm not an idiot, I know she's suggesting doctors, psychiatrists, therapists- whatever. They're all the same, and I don't need them.

"No. Olivia, I'm not going to some 'crazy doctor' for this. It'll go away eventually, I just need to give it some time" I snap at her and the atmosphere between us changes, we're both defensive

"I'm not saying you're crazy Alex, but maybe talking about it could help? I love you and I want you to feel happy, and Alex, you said you aren't. I just want you too feel okay" she looks so upset, she's so concerned. I hate that she's this upset over me, I really don't deserve it.

"I'll feel okay eventually Liv-"

"You don't know that Alex! If you are depressed this won't just magically disappear! You need to at least look into this"

"No" I growl at her, becoming beyond irate "I don't need help. Olivia, what we talked about, I told you in confidence. I don't want you going behind my back to anyone- friends, doctors, Liz, Elliot. Nobody. I can handle this alone. I can deal with this, I don't need anybodies help"

I really think I've just witnessed Olivia's heart break. Okay, maybe they weren't the best choice of words but I don't want help. I don't need help.

"Ya know what, you can handle this alone? Why don't you give it a shot then Alex- and FYI, I thought you'd have a little more faith in me than to assume I'd go around spreading this to people when it really isn't any of their business!"

I stand in the kitchen and watch her leave, honestly, as much as I love her I don't feel like I want to call her back, I don't want to chase after her.

I'd really rather just handle this my way.

Doctors are not a solution to my problem.

For now, I'll figure this out and then I'll try and piece things back with Olivia- but a relationship is not my main concern right now.

**_AN: I know, don't hate me :3 _**

**_please keep all your wonderful reviews up! Thank you ^_^_**


	5. Chapter 5

**_AN: Thank you all so much for the reviews! Lovely to see the support for my writing and my story! Just to let you all know I'm gonna stick a trigger warning here, this chapter (and the story from here on out) will get pretty heavy so if that could affect you I'd advise that you stop reading. _**

-x-x-x-

Maybe I should look into this?

Surely searching online won't do any harm? I mean, I can read up on depression, look at the symptoms and compare them to how I feel and then I can make a decision on what to do. Maybe Olivia is right, talking to someone might help but I'm just so scared. I know doctors are paid not to judge you, but how could they not judge me? This has literally come from nowhere. No, I can't talk to anyone. At least not yet. It's far too early to even be thinking of anything like that.

Okay.

I take a deep breath and type 'depression' into my laptops search engine. This is alright, I'm only checking.

I click on the first result and I'm taken to a page swimming with information. I see a link at the side, _"Depression In Women",_ well that seems like a good place to start for me. I click the link and close my eyes as the page loads, I still haven't heard from Olivia. God, I'll need to call her. I don't want her to be mad at me, or upset with me. I just don't want to see doctors right now. She needs to respect that.

I open my eyes again and I realize that the page has loaded, okay, here goes then. I scan through the paragraphs, certain things popping out at me

_"-for women in particular, depression is common"_

_"one in every eight women will develop depression at some point during her lifetime"_

_"If you're feeling sad, guilty, tired, and just generally "down in the dumps," you may be suffering from depression"_

_"Symptoms include- Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyable, appetite and weight changes, difficulty concentrating and lack of energy and fatigue"_

Well, fuck me.

Maybe this is a lot more serious than I thought? Depression. Wow.

_Appetite and weight changes, lack of energy, concentration issues_- it's describing me.

I remember one day at the office, maybe about a month ago, I literally spent hours just blankly staring at the file in front of me. No matter how hard I tried my mind kept drifting away from the case we were working- I'm lucky I didn't make mistakes and screw up our case.

I also need to consider that this is the internet and I can't just diagnose myself here and now. I need to consider this some more and think about talking to someone, maybe not even a doctor. Maybe my Dad.

I know he'd be crushed to hear that I'm not myself, that I'm not happy but I really think that my father could give me practical advice. He's always been so good to me, always lending an ear when I have problems, no matter how big or small. I'd say he'll be upset to hear I'm unhappy but he'd help in anyway possible, him and Mom too.

God how would I even tell them? I really think that'd be the hard part. They'd ask what caused it and I'd have no answer for them, no reason to feel this way. Is it so bad that I want to keep this to myself for a little while? I don't want my problems broadcast especially with no explanation.

I continue down the webpage and once I get to the bottom I see it, something that in the back of my mind I know I shouldn't click but my curiosity gets the better of me, I've never read up on the topic, a quick browse couldn't do any harm, right?

The second I click into the page I notice all the support pages at the top, all the places, the societies dedicated to helping people. I start at the very beginning of the text, biting my tongue as I do

_"Self-harm may help you express feelings you can't put into words, distract you from your life, or release emotional pain" _

_"-the most common form of self-harm is skin-cutting but self-harm also covers a wide range of behaviors including, but not limited to, burning, scratching, banging or hitting body parts, interfering with wound healing, hair-pulling and the ingestion of toxic substances or objects" _

I read farther and farther down the page, hitting reader comments at the bottom, some offering support to other commenters who'd shared their stories and certain things in particular seem to catch my attention, selective reading.

_"It expresses emotional pain or feelings that I'm unable to put into words"_

_"It's a way to have control over my body because I can't control anything else in my life. I usually feel like I have a black hole in the pit of my stomach, at least if I feel pain it's better than feeling nothing"_

_"I feel more relieved and less anxious after I cut. The emotional pain slowly slips away into the physical pain"_

There certainly is a lot more to this than I'd imagined. I mean, with some of SVU's previous cases we've witnessed victims self harm and suicide attempts, we've seen it more in teenagers, abuse victims. Adults? Rarely. I've always thought as an adult you'd be able to talk your problems out, use your words. Honestly? This seems more helpful than talking, especially when you'd have nothing to talk about, no explanation.

Oh I can't seriously be considering doing something like this, it seems so.. childish. Idiotic.

No matter how much of a bad light I try to spin this in though comments made play over and over again in my mind.

"I feel more relieved and less anxious after I cut- it expresses emotional pain or feelings that I'm unable to put into words"

Does that not sound pretty damn perfect?

I scroll further down the page and I see a section discussing the negative aspects of self-harming. How the relief is only temporary, how anxiety and guilt will kick in, how you'll impact your relationships with friends and family by becoming withdrawn and moody.

Is it horrible that I really don't care? In this second all I can focus on is the minor chance at some of this pain, pain I can't describe, being taken away- having a physical outlet for it. All the negatives are outweighed by that one positive.

I'm like a zombie, like I can't control my bodies movements as I push my laptop to one side onto my bed and slip into my en-suite. The rational side of me is screaming, trying to get it across that whatever I'm about to do is unnecessary, that I should go back to bed and call Olivia. I should call her and get her over here as soon as possible. I think my illogical side however is overpowering, like there's a battle for dominance and well logic is getting it's ass kicked.

I open up my medicine cabinet and sigh as my eyes land on the pack of razor blades sitting on the shelf. I'm not the well held, strong, powerful ADA anymore, or then again, maybe I am? Maybe this is power. Choosing where to hurt myself. It's my one definite decision.

I reach out with my trembling hand and I take the packet into my hand, my hearts racing in my chest. It's beating so hard I'm momentarily frightened something medically may be wrong- then again it's probably adrenaline coursing through my veins at the prospect of finally being I'm charge of something.

I swallow harshly as in close over the cabinet and when I take in my reflection I chew on my lip, I look like a shadow of myself. Despite sleeping last night I still look exhausted. My hair doesn't have it's naturally bounce I'm used to seeing, it's flat and dull.

My hair.

_"Hair pulling" _

I leave the blades carefully down into the sink, almost like their precious, and bring my right hand up to my long blonde hair, grabbing it just at my shoulders, near the middle of the dulled strands and I tangle my fingers through them. After a brief hesitation I tug sharply, expecting a dart of pain to cause me to cry out, but it doesn't come. It's like I couldn't feel it? What the hell is wrong with me!?

My breaths are shallow as I tear open the plastic over the razors, I need to do this, I need to feel pain. Why didn't that work? My hair. What's going on? I'm so fucking scared and confused and lost.. everything's just piling together.

The second I have the implement between my shaking fingers I drag it across the skin of my arm, just below my elbow on the inside. This, unlike the tugging on my hair, I feel. The pain burns inside me as I watch the blood ooze from the self inflicted wound. Right now, there's not one single negative to what I've just done.

I just feel relaxed.

I guess the internet is right about something.


	6. Chapter 6

My cell interrupts my sleep, as if it wasn't broken enough already. I sit up and through the gap in the heavy curtains realize it's bright outside, thank God. I must've woken up about twenty times since I fell asleep last night, no exaggeration, and it's done my head in.

I grab my cell and knock off the blaring text tone, opening the message and I sigh as I read it over

"Baby I'm sorry. I shouldn't have ran out like I did, Hoping you're feeling okay. I know you're mad, but I'd like to call round and see you later, maybe we could talk? Hope you slept well beautiful - Liv xx"

I should reply to Olivia, but just like with work, I don't know where I'm standing. Last night after she left here I told myself a relationship isn't my main concern right now, I need to focus on myself and build myself back up before I can be relationship ready.

But it's Liv. I can't just leave her, push her away like that... can I? She's my best friend. I love her. Well then, why don't I feel devastated at the thought of being without her? At losing her?

I need to talk to her.

I quickly type up a reply, telling her to come over for some lunch later. Lunch seems too soon, I don't know what I can say to this woman, I don't know exactly how you can let someone down gently when you know it's going to break their heart anyway.

Maybe this is a mistake? Maybe I should rely on Olivia, reading through the websites last night I noticed nearly all of them mentioned about having someone to depend on, to talk to. The only person I'd trust to dump all this onto would be Liv- well I trust her for the most part. I think I'll always have a niggling thought in the back of my mind that she'd say something, especially if things got serious.

I take a deep, cleansing breath and roll up my pajama top, revealing the single angry red cut. I could never tell Olivia that I'd read up on this, that I actually did it. She'd definitely rat me out then.

I stand out of bed and go into the bathroom, putting antiseptic cream on the cut, I'd hate for it to get infected. Once that's done I know I have to go down to the kitchen and eat something. I'm not hungry but I don't want to drop even more weight. I don't want to have an eating disorder.

Checking the refrigerator I realize I only have the eggs left from what Liv didn't use yesterday, so I guess they'll do. I put on a pot of water deciding to boil them and I wait for the water to heat, giving me a minute to think myself. I don't want to have to leave Liv, I don't want to push her out but I know if I give this a go she'd keep pushing for me to get help, help that I don't want- at least not yet. If she kept insisting on help I'd eventually hate her, I know I would.

I think maybe a break would be a good idea. There's no way I'm capable of a relationship right now.

-x-x-x-

I open the door and the second I do I feel Liv pull me in close to her, I love being so close to her- as I said I feel safe. But it's physical comfort, nothing else.

"I'm sorry Alex" she presses a kiss to my neck "I don't want you to handle this alone, I want to help you, I want to be there for you. Are you okay?"

"No Liv.. I'm really not" I've said the words so softly I don't know if she's heard them but her panicked eyes look me over and then meet my glazed ones

"Why? What's going on?"

I move my hand down her arm and intertwine our fingers, leading her into the kitchen where I stand back away from her, because even having her around me right now would probably make me forget it, of bottle it and kiss her. But I know I shouldn't do. I need to be alone.

"Olivia, last night I was thinking, a lot about everything and I just.. I need to take a break. I can't keep an actual relationship with you, I need to be alone-"

"-Alex, I'm here mostly as your friend, I don't expect anything from you. I know we've been going on dates and stuff but it's not like I want anything more to happen straight away if you aren't up to it- this is coming out worse than I mean it to"

I shake my head, I understand what she's saying, she doesn't expect a physical intimate relationship but honestly, sex wouldn't be an issue for me, not a big issue anyway. She arouses me, I won't lie. My concern is the constant scrutiny, analyzing my movements, monitoring me. I'd hate it.

"Liv, please don't make me feel worse than I do. I'm not saying I don't love you, I'm just saying I need the chance to sort my head out, alone"

"What about as a friend? C-Can I be here?"

My sweetheart, she's almost crying in front of me. The big, bad detective on the verge of tears- I hate that I'm hurting her like this. But I need to, it'd hurt her more if she stayed.

"No. Olivia, I'll call, I'll text, you can visit occasionally but please, not everyday. I need time to work my problems out before I can be in a relationship and if we'll have what I think we will, I don't want to ruin it"

"Okay. I understand"

She looks so disheartened but her words sound genuine, I really hope she does understand.

I really want to kiss her, a goodbye kiss but I'm afraid it'll break my resolve, shatter the walls I'm trying to build to keep her away.

Maybe it'd be worth it?

No, it would be. It's Olivia.

"Liv, can I have a kiss?" I ask her and she smiles weakly and walks across the kitchen, pulling me into a wonderful kiss. This is one of the best kisses I've ever experienced, it's like she's trying to pour her heart into one kiss, show me how much she cares

I need to hold it together. It'd be best if she left. Best for her.

I know I wouldn't be able to stand by and watch the person I love be so upset, so lost.. how can I expect her to as well?

No.

I push her back as I feel her hands move through my hair.

My hair.

Last nights fiasco. My lack of pain, lack of response. -no, just forget it for now Alex. Push it to one side.

"Thank you. I'm so sorry Liv" I caress her cheek now tear-stained cheek and smile sadly to her "I do love you, just please, give me time"

"All the time you need Alex"

-x-x-x-

I'm struggling.

Last night I thought my one cut would be enough, I thought it would be okay after that, it isn't. All I can think about as I lie in my darkened bedroom is using that blade.

It felt so good last night.

I never thought I'd feel like this, I never imagined my body would crave to feel pain. It's a conflicting feeling.

I upset Olivia so much, she left here a mess, in tears. I'm actually such a selfish person, so horrible. I'm keeping her out for my own reasons. I'm afraid, I'm afraid what'll happen if I don't push her away. I mean, what about last night? What if she found out? She'd hate me. She'd say she was right, that I should've seen a doctor before all this happened.

Honestly? I really don't care about doctors or anything. I don't think any of theses doctors realize how I feel, no degree can tell you that. That blade, when it slices down, it's like heaven and it works far better than any amount of talking would ever do.

I stand off the bed and go into the bathroom, this is a release, it helps. It's like everything I really am dying to say, everything I can't seem to word is escaping through the wound.

I sound crazy, and well, maybe I am but right now I'm doing my best not to focus on that.


	7. Chapter 7

I wake up the next morning dazed, I don't remember going to bed last night. I sit up, my head spinning slightly, c'mon Alex, think. What happened last night?

I move my hand across over the duvet and then I feel the stinging but excruciating pain and then last nights memories hit me. Oh God.

I sit up and focus properly and once I look down at my arm I wince, that'd be causing my pain alright. Of the four cuts I made last night through my tears, two of them haven't healed up really at all. I check the sheets under me and there are blood stains littering them, fuck I need to be more careful, I think I was just so emotionally drained last night I wasn't really worried, I just got to bed as quick as I could. On the plus side though I got a marvelous sleep, I was just so relaxed.

I stumble across to the bathroom and get to work on my arm, cleaning the wounds as gently as I can with some cotton balls and antiseptic cream. Even with this they seem to clear up a little.

As bad as I felt last night about pushing Olivia away now I have a clear head I know my decision was the right one. She'd never see this side of things, she'd never understand- just like the doctors wouldn't. I can deal with this alone, okay I know that the whole self harming isn't exactly the best way of dealing but I can stop that, I will stop it.

I really love Olivia, I do want to be with her but I'd need to get back to myself before I can do that. As I told her I count risk what we have.

One thing she said though was talking about it might help so I am considering going to visit my parents today. I know Daddy would be hurt to hear that I'm struggling like this but I think his and my Mothers support is what I really need.

"I'll need to find an outfit to cover these now" I mumble to myself and I look down over the cuts and I mentally try to choose an outfit that'll keep me fully covered

I don't want to wear white in case anything happens with them so maybe I'll wear one of my black court shirts and some plain black trousers. It seems logical. Maybe I should bring an overnight bag, I wouldn't mind going over and staying with them for a bit, anyway it's at least a two hour drive up to them and after our talk I'll probably be tired and thankful for somewhere to sleep.

I go out and put on my planned outfit, straightening out the creases once it's all on and when that's done I begin packing a bag. I make sure I pack things useful to me, shirts I can wear. I smile when I find one of Liv's t-shirts as I rifle through my drawers. It's her NYPD shirt, one of my favorites on her.

I bring the dark shirt up to my nose and inhale the scent of Olivia. Oh God I miss her so much already. I know it was the right thing to do but I can't just turn off my feelings.

I want to call her, I should've really done it sooner, just to check she's okay- and well now I'll need to tell her I'm going visit my parents in case she calls over and worries I don't answer or anything.

I sigh as I zip up the overnight bag and I grab my cell from my bedside locker, I wish things were different, I wish I could have her and be able to cope with this- actually if I'm wishing for stuff I wish I didn't have this.. this.. depression.

I'm depressed.

I try not to think anymore about it, I just dial Liv's number and brush away the tear rolling down my cheek. I cannot keep my emotions in check lately. Jesus.

The call connects after the second ring and I my heart lightens a little hearing Olivia's voice "Alex, hey.. how're you?"

"Hi Liv, I, uh, I'm okay. I've actually taken your advice, that's why I've called. I'm going to my parents for a couple of days, I need to have a chat with them I think- so if you come over that's why there's no answer"

I'm not blanking you, I swear.

I'm so tempted to add in but it might sound a little full on.

"Oh, yeah, okay. Hey, Al- I'm glad you're going to talk to someone"

I can almost hear her 'even if it isn't me' but she just goes silent, leaving me to continue "Liv, I really love you. You know that don't you?"

"Of course I do. I love you too Alex. Call me if you need me, won't you?" She says and I nod to myself and whisper a yes, then a goodbye.

"Good luck with your Mom and Dad"

"Thanks Liv"

-x-x-x-

I make my way up my parents driveway my heart thumping in my chest, I never really visit home much and to be here to drop something like this on my parents isn't exactly the best visit.

I get to the door and knock as confidently as I can and when the door opens my Fathers eyes actually light up "Oh my girl! Alexandra, baby! What're you doing here?!" He pulls me into a big bear hug, one that's always made me feel amazingly safe

"Daddy it's nice to see you. How's everything here?" I ask as her ushers me in the door, taking my overnight bag into his hand

"Things are wonderful here dear, your Mothers just made up some lunch if you'd like some?"

I smile and nod, the smell wafting down the hall really reminding me how hungry I am. I did skip breakfast this morning, after I got changed and talked to Liv I realized I wasn't all that hungry so I gave it a miss "Thanks Daddy, lunch sounds amazing"

"So, how's work going?" He asks me and I freeze, I don't want to lie to him, I should just talk about it now, not cover up

"Um, actually Daddy, that's the reason I'm visiting you and Mom. I need a little chat"

"Oh?"

"-Oh Alex! Hello darling!" Mom thankfully cuts in and I hug the older woman, smiling a little, forced.

"Hiya Mom. How're you?"

We all sit at the table and Mom dishes me up a plate of the homemade lasagne she's just taken from the oven

All of us tuck in and once I'm half way through I choose my moment, I rest my knife and fork on the side of my plate and address them both "Hey, as I said to Daddy earlier I'm here for a reason, I need to talk to you both about something. I- uh, I've taken some time off work, a break"

I notice Daddy's scowl but Mom looks me in the eye, urging me to continue "I haven't been to see a professional yet but I reckon I'm depressed"

Both of their faces drop, my Fathers hand moves across the table and takes mine into his own and Mom bites her lip, and I could swear she's nearly crying "Depressed? Oh honey" Moms voice is broken and my fathers free hand takes hers too

"Are you going to see someone Alex?" Daddy asks me and I sigh, shrugging

"I will, eventually. This is only a recent discovery Daddy, I'm not really desperate to admit this to strangers yet"

"I understand" he agrees and after half a minutes silence he continues "what about your Detective lady? I know you weren't dating long but I thought she was friendly with you? Where has she disappeared to?"

I close my eyes, pulling away from them both "I-I.. kinda pushed her away when I realized I wasn't 100%"

Mom groans, shaking her head "Okay Alex, I know you must be going through a lot and it must be hard on you but pushing your girlfriend away really isn't the answer honey. I know I haven't met the woman but from what you say she seems really sweet, couldn't you let her in?"

"...I guess I can. It's just been difficult Mom"

Daddy nods, agreeing with Mom "It'll be far more difficult without her love and support Alex"

Wow, how haven't I looked at it that way? I've always thought she'd interfere, she'd be in the way- maybe I do need her. But things could get so complicated and awkward and pushy..

"I'll call her later. Guys, thank you for being so good about this, I thought you'd be disappointed"

"In you? No darling, this isn't your fault"

I smile at their words of comfort, this one's actually a real smile. They are so caring and supportive and they are giving me great advice about Liv.. maybe I've been the biggest idiot alive?

Yeah. I need to talk to Liv.


	8. Chapter 8

"I was too hasty" I admit to Olivia that night on the phone "I talked to Mom Liv and she basically told me I was being an idiot doing what I'm doing. I love you and instead of pushing you away I should really let you in"

Olivia clears her throat and I can hear the smile in her voice as she replies "Alex, I'm so happy you see that. I-I love you so much and want to help you with this, I want to hold you when things get rough, when you feel low"

"That'll be a lot of holding Liv" I tell her honestly

"And I'd gladly hold you, all day everyday if that's what you need Alex. Are you okay then? Everything went alright with your parents?"

I lay down on my guest bed for the night "Everything went fine Liv, really good. I think I'm going to come home tomorrow though- I'd really like to see you if you're around?"

"I'm around, I've actually taken some time off work"

I gasp and it sounds almost theatrical but I don't care, I'm genuinely shocked. Olivia must be ill if she's taking some time off "You, Detective Olivia Benson, is taking time off? Are pigs flying?"

The sound of her laugh is amazing "No, pigs aren't flying yet baby but I did feel like I deserved a little bit of a break"

"You of all people really do deserve a break, you work yourself into the ground"

I'm glad she's relaxing even a little bit, she does work herself very hard.

"Hey, Al, not to push you or anything but I was just wondering, have you thought anymore about talking to somebody?" I know she's skirting around it, she's afraid I'm going to snap at her and push away, I'm not. I won't. Moms right, I need her around.

"Honestly I have Liv. Since my conversation earlier with Mom and Dad I've realized a lot of what your saying has been right. I can't just ignore this and hope for the best"

"So you'll talk to somebody?" She really does sound so happy, she really cares about me.

"I will Olivia"

-x-x-x-

I'm on my drive home and all I can think of is Olivia. I'm meeting up with her tonight, or she's meeting me, she's coming over and I've decided I'm going to come clean to her. About everything.

I feel a knot in my stomach even at that thought. Admitting everything- admitting the self harming. She'll be crushed. Devastated that I couldn't talk to her instead..

My cell beeps and I pull in to check the message I just got, my heart soars a little seeing Olivia's picture. She's so beautiful, my sweetheart.

'I'm picking up some take out, what can I get ya Al? xx'

I run my hand through my hair and momentarily consider a nice meal, to be honest I don't even know if I'd be able to eat, if I'm feeling sick now and I'm not even in the apartment with her yet I don't know how I'll feel with her there.

'I'll have what you're having baby, I'm not picky xx'

I pull back onto the road and once I start driving the rest of the journey home goes very fast. I'm home and settled into my apartment within 15 minutes. Now I just have to wait for Olivia.

I'm terrified.

I want this to run smoothly with Liv, or as smoothly as it can be. I really don't want us to fall out.

Olivia's knock on the door startles me a little and I take a deep breath, before walking down the hall and opening my apartment door, revealing Liv, who's nearly blocked from my vision by our take away bags

I chuckle a little at the woman in front of me "You need a hand Liv?" I ask and she hums in agreement

"Please"

I take a bag in each hand and we both go inside and set up our meals at the kitchen table, but we don't sit down to eat until Olivia presses a gentle kiss to my lips "I've missed you"

"I missed you too Liv, a lot"

We both eat our sweet chili chicken and rice in an almost tense silence that is until I start "Okay Liv, I have a bit of explaining to do. I need to apologize too, I should've really listened to you, I should've gone to see somebody before today.."

"I'm glad you see that Alex, better late than never I guess" Olivia smiles softly and tops up my wine glass and I sigh, I'll need to tell her about the cuts "Hey, Al, what's stressing you out?"

I can't say it, I just lift the sleeve of my shirt and when Olivia sees the semi-healed cuts her eyes widen "Uh.. y-you.. oh Alex, why did you feel like you needed to do that?" her thumb brushes over the unmarked skin of my wrist, I think she's afraid to touch the cuts in case she hurts me

"I don't know Liv, I-I just... I'm sorry" I drop my eyes to study the table and Olivia's other hand creeps up under my chin to lift my line of vision

"You don't need to apologize to me Alex, you don't. I'm glad you're talking to me. I think that it's essential though that you go and talk to someone as soon as possible- I can't let you keep doing this" she gestures to the cuts and I nod, knowing she's right. This is dangerous, even if it does feel so amazingly relieving.

"It's dangerous Olivia, I know it is, but it feels so good. Y-You don't understand how good it feels, how much of a relief it is"

Olivia nods, squeezing my hand "Listen to me, it may be a relief but if you talk to somebody, a professional, they can give you something that'll help you, they can tell you other things to do to replace the cuts. Please, don't do this again Alex, I couldn't bare to lose you"

"I don't want to lose you either" Olivia brushes away the tears rolling down my cheeks "I promise I'll try to get better, for you"

-x-x-x-

The first night in bed with Olivia since all this started is like a dream. Feeling her holding me close is amazing, her hands moving over my sides is so relaxing.

"You're beautiful" Olivia whispers against my ear and I sigh, I know she really means it, I can hear it in her voice. She cares about me so much.

"I love you" I reply to her "so much Olivia, I-I really think I can get better. I know it'll be rough but with you, I think I can do it"

"Try Alex. No matter what happens me and you, we can work on it. Please, don't push me away anymore? I want to be here, through the good and the bad. I want to support you"

I bury in even closer to her, I do need her support. I think I need it more than she realizes. I crumbled without her, fell apart. I've realized now, thanks to my parents, that pushing people away really isn't the best idea. I need to surround myself with people I love if I ever want this to work out.

Having Olivia is more of a relief than I ever thought it'd be. She doesn't judge me, she wants to be there. I really wish I'd realized that sooner.

"Well I want to be supported, so I guess we're a match"

Olivia's lips press to my neck "We're a wonderful match"

-x-x-x-

_"What greater thing is there for two human souls, than to feel that they are joined for life-to strengthen each other in all labor and to rest on each other in all sorrow.." _

_-George Eliot_

-x-x-x-

**_AN: I'm sorry but I'll have to end it here, I've left it open ended so I could always come back and do a continuation but right now things are hectic and I really can't commit to the story. I'll write some oneshots when I can but I probably won't be writing mult-chapter stories from a while. _**

**_Thanks for reading though and I hope you did enjoy this even if it is a little short._**


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